Sunday, September 27, 2009


She needs stickers for her bucket.
Chris won't be home until 4:30 and Evan will wake up around 3.
We'll go to Michael's...I have a coupon.

OK, I have a paci, blanket and toys for Evan.
Alyssa, please put on your brown shoes.  Here we go.
Is the stroller in the back...hop in Sis.

Do I have my phone?
Which way should I go...? less traffic, I'll go the back way.

When we're done at Michaels I want to go to Marshalls, so I'll park here.
Grab the stroller, fasten Evan in, get Alyssa.

Here's the sticker aisle, let's see...what are my options...
There's a baby screaming...Alyssa's asking questions...How's Evan doing...I feel overwhelmed...what if something happens...what if I lose it right here...I'm dizzy...Nevermind, I have to go...we're here, she needs these stickers...just get some Chris...where's my phone...please answer...I'll call mom at work if  he doesn't answer...Oh good, hi, I'm panicky... Ok, here's some...Alyssa do you like these? I just want to make sure I have found the best ones...I'll be ok, thanks, bye.

Ok, let's go check out.
"I want to go see that witch."  Ok, I think I'm alright, let's go see it... there it is, come on, let's go, there's a line...I want to go...I think I'm going to pass out...let's just go...I'll call Chris again...I can't, I'm next...Ok, "How are you?"  I'm good...

There's no way I'm going to Marshalls...Just walk across the parking lot...I don't feel right...I just want someone to come get am I going to drive home.  Get Evan in, climb in sis...Put the stroller in the back... I have to call Chris... I don't feel right... should I be driving... what if something I ok...I just want to be home.

My stomach hurts and I feel anxious just writing this...but this is my life.  It has been for years, and I fear it always will be.  I have Panic Disorder.  The severity and frequency of occurrences ebbs and flows, unfortunately I'm in deep right now.  It will take many many successful trips to Michaels...Target...wherever to overcome this episode which happened last week.  Garnering up the courage to head back is the challenge.

You never know what someone else is going through...  


  1. I have tears streaming down my face....I'm so sorry that I'm so far away, and that I'm not just a phone call away from coming to sit with you in a Michael's parking lot. =(

    I am praying for you HARD, MB. xxoxoxo

  2. Prayers for you. Thank you for the transparency. It makes me feel more open to express my struggles. So glad that you and Chris are apart of my life. :)